She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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