Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Holy shit dude........stairs
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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