What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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