you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
