Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
