please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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