My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
