I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
