i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
