then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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