just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
