he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
