After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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