we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
