I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
