if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
