she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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