i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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