My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
