I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
