I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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