someone threw a dead crab at me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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