Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize