I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
