Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize