i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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