Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Who died my cat blue again?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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