I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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