When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
