I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
