I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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