The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
