I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
