Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
