I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
