worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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