she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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