We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I fill condoms, not promises.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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