Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
