The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
