haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
