just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She told me I should be a condom model.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
