Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You took a bar mat shot.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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