The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
