she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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