I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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