I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
