Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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