awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just high enough for therapy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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