First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
