I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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