She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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