How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
