maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
