is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
