nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
