I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
